Pappa wants mamma naked
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
