everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
