He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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