So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
