I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
