sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
