He kissed a someone with a penis
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize