do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
