I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
