How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
