please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
