Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I pour the whiskey from now on
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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