I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
