So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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