I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
