If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
