Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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