I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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