that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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