she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Its about making memories worth repressing
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
