Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize