I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
