Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
