your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I wish there were birth control emojis
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
