He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
