A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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