i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
