Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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