I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
