i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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