My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
