I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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