i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
