I want to walk on stilts...naked
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
