cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
we're so committed to being not committed
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
