So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
