You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
