If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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