I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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