Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize