Please, let me fuck your mom
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
