I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
