So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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