If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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