I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
