people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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