a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
