Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
