just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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