all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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