On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
