First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
