some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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