i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have fence marks all over my body
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
