Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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