they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Everclear isn't food dammit
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
