she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
