Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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