Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
