shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize