I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
