Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He did a backflip because drugs
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
