Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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